When i woz tiny , me mam & dad , they were both bad gambler's , me mam would go fckin off it when me dad blew all hiz wage's in the booky'z ( which woz every week ) , then within the space ov a few day's me dad would go off it with me mam for blowingthe family credit in the amusements on benwell , , , It woz a visious circle week in & week out . More then often there woz'nt much food in the cuboard's in fact there woz fck all . I have a memory ov my mam sitting the youngest ov uz luke on the bench , whislt me n chad hung round the cooker n watched thiz brown stuff bubbling in the pan . It woz a oxo gravey & it woz our meal , we wud all tuk in 2 it wif a slice ov bread 2 if we were lucky ( often borrowed off the neighbour ) Thiz iz no word ov a lie .
At the tym it neva really sed much , but az i got older & thiz woz becoming our meal more & more , i started 2 relize how thiz woz cumin about GAMBLING ...... I swore blind i wud neva eva waist a single penny when i woz older on a poxy fruit machine or a game ov cards & true 2 the word i stuck 2 it .... I wud ov been ill if i'd so much az lozt a £ . Then at the age ov 28 , i began 2 take an intrest in the flashy lights , what & why iz beyond me . Slowly i began askin questions when i saw people play , wonder why they held thiz or neva spun on that , god i wish i didnt , then in went me £ , wot a fckin muppet then £1 led 2 another & another , it woz juzt 4 fun , i woz'nt in any dept , sum people could'nt b=leave it when they saw me on them . B 4 i knew it i woz in a casino , playing cards , id neva even held a hand in my life , but i soon picked up on it , i soon got board ov it 2 , not that i give up n went home , no not me i do now't by half'z i moved on 2 the rollette , thiz iz were the money went , ya loze sum ya win sum , i woz more then often lozing but the win sum how in my head seemed 2 contemplate ...... I woz hooked n i didnt even no it ... Az i hung round the casino more & more i found myself watching people on the slot'z , there woz load'z ov button & a tun ov wining lines . I watched & watched sum more then i asked sum 1 how it worked , they were more then happy 2 tell me , but saying that if sum 1 asked me i 2 woz more then happy 2 tell them ..... 2 year'z down the line ( in such a small space ov tym ) i woz left with nothing apart from a massive gambling dept , i oweed every 1 from here 2 timbuckto , i would lie steal & borrow jzt get my fix . It woz going beyond a joke & i woz getting no pleasure from it , i woz doin it 4 all the rong reasons . B4 i knew it i woz at the point where i 2 had ne food in my cuboards & i had sold my belongings even some ov my son'z , that iz fcked up ! Nothing could discribe that feeling in side when id done it but yet id still do it again , wot the fck iz rong wif me , id often get the leaflet about help 4 gamblin but neva done nothing about it , , , , , , , ,
U c people dont really understand how full on a gambling addiction really iz , it'z like a drug but worse , u can go 2 the doctor's if u have a drug addiction n they can ween ya off or give u medication ov sum sort 2 help u . But wot can they give u 4 gambling ?????????? Absurelutely jack shit . The only person who can help u iz YOU ! the bezt ov it iz u r neva really cure , it'z always there in the back ov your head . Will i , wont i ? but i myt win n al that shit . It got 2 the stage 4 me wen i couldnt take no more , instead ov talking about it or reading another 1 ov thoze poxy leaflets , i marched my sel in ( almozt in tear's ) & i offically barred my self , i had 2 go in2 the office wif the duty manager , i felt lyk a kid in the head mistress's office all over again . The manager woz fantastic , they knew how 2 deal wif me , That also woz a hard part , knowing i would'nt b able 2 c any ov the staff again 4 at least 6 month's , they had grown 2 b my mates , i woz ganna miss them & i did loads ........
Not only did i barr myself from 1 gambling venue i went the whole hog & withdrew my membership from from each n every gambling place i woz a member with , including places such az the bing , am amusements ect ... I'd fckin dun it , but i still hadnt cracked it . 6 months on & my bann iz up i haft 2 go & sit a board try n convince them i woz healed ( so 2 speak ) & thiz i did , but not 2 all the venue's jzt 1 casino not even a bingo hall , 1 step at a tym , im not fully fixed & i have fcked up a few tym'z since going back , but i do feel like am sort ov on the road 2 recovery ( although it duznt feel lyk that wen av had a hic up ) Really am a fool 4 goin back in the first place , but that'z life & ne 1 iz perfect ,,,
My reason 4 writing thiz iz 2 appolagize 2 every single person i fckd ova 4 a single penny & 4 the lies av told 2 get my fix , but most importantly im sorry 2 my son , am sorry 4 being so fckin selfish after all i knew 1st hand wot it woz like 2 have fck all ( although it neva cum that bad 4 him ) Thats not the point i still sold hiz belongings , i mean haway wot a fckin mong i am , i myt have went oot n got him new n better but that makes ne odd's , the damage iz dun , then important enuff i let myself down big style , the nice fings we could have & i say could have becoz lyk i sed am still not fully well . The scarey fing iz i dont know if i eva will b , it fckz me up big styleinside , iv spoke 2 gamblers who still go 2 casino's & they have lozt every fing 5 tymz ova including there friends & family . They've attended GAM annominous more then once & they r still no futher forward ... Well there u have it my full life on gamblin , b4 i sign off i warn ova'z not 2 take that plunge n 2 stay clear wen eva pos if it can happen 2 me little starved annie it cud happen 2 u , iz it really worf it ???????????????????????????
